Adult Children: Navigating Biblical Submission to Parents

9 minutes to read

To tackle the question of submission, we have to begin with ‘authority’ and sort the difference between honour and obedience. We do so because authority is the cornerstone, and both honour and obedience are built on top of it. If we want to rightly understand the biblical submission that adult children should offer their parents, we need to lay this foundation first.

When it comes to submission, particularly for adult children, we often find ourselves in the middle of a tightrope act. On one side, there’s the unyielding command to honour our parents, and on the other, the undeniable reality that grown children are no longer under the same roof or under the same set of rules. But before we go tumbling off this tightrope, understanding authority helps set up some guardrails for those of us who’ve left the nest.

A Note on Adulthood
When discussing a topic where definitions are paramount, it’s unwise to assume we’re all on the same page. We, hopefully, know what children are. But let’s make sure we’re clear on what it means to be an adult.

Biblically speaking, adulthood isn’t about a number on a birth certificate. It’s about stepping up to take responsibility—for yourself and for others—particularly in the realms of family, work, and community. Age doesn’t make you an adult, but it does create a deadline, a point by which you’re expected to have reached the milestones of maturity. The real issue at hand is that too many today are missing this mark, leaving us with a society full of childish adults rather than true adult children.

A biblical adult is someone who:

1. Takes Responsibility, for their actions, decisions, and the well-being of those under their care. This includes providing for oneself and one’s family, as well as making decisions that align with biblical principles. (1 Tim 5:8)
2. Exhibits Maturity in a biblical sense involving wisdom, self-control, and the ability to live in accordance with God’s Word. It means being able to discern right from wrong and make choices that reflect godly character.
3. Embraces Authority and Submission, as one who understands and respects authority structures—whether in the family, church, or society. This includes both exercising authority responsibly and submitting to rightful authority with humility.
4. Lives Independently. While an adult honours their parents, they are no longer under their direct authority. This independence is marked by the ability to establish and lead their own household, make decisions, and take on adult responsibilities without relying on their parents for guidance or provision.

God has given parents authority over their children.

This article addresses such adults. The video game enthusiast who can’t muster the energy to get up from the couch and fetch the tea his mother prepared shouldn’t be discussing biblical submission until he masters the art of navigating to the front door of his parent’s house.

Authority: The Backbone of Submission
Let’s start at the beginning. Authority isn’t something that sprang up out of the primordial ooze or something we conjured up in a committee meeting. Authority is baked into the very structure of creation, established by the One who spoke the world into existence. The same God who placed the sun in the sky and the stars in their courses also established human authority, delegating it to parents, governments, and the church. It operates like a beacon, guiding and structuring relationships within the family, church, and society. 

Authority, from a biblical perspective, refers to the legitimate power or right to make decisions, give commands, and enforce rules. It is a structure ordained by God to maintain order and direct relationships in various spheres of life.

Now, in the family, God has given parents authority over their children. This isn’t an authority to be wielded like a hammer. Rather, it’s meant to reflect God’s own authority—an authority marked by love, wisdom, and righteousness. However, unlike God’s eternal authority, the nature of parental authority shifts as the child matures, and comes to authority of their own. 

What is Submission then?
Submission, from a biblical perspective, is the act of willingly placing oneself under authority in accordance with God’s design and order. It is an expression of respect, trust, and obedience within established relationships and structures. Biblical submission is not about coercion or forced compliance. It is a voluntary act of aligning oneself with the authority of another out of respect for God’s order. It involves a willing heart and a recognition of the God-given roles and responsibilities within a relationship. Submission honours God before it honours anyone else.

Wives are called to submit to their husbands, as Paul instructs in Ephesians 5:22: “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Believers are also called to submit to one another, reflecting mutual respect and love, as stated in Ephesians 5:21: “Submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ.” In matters of civic administration, we are called to submit to governing authorities, as emphasised in Romans 13:1: “Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God.” Additionally, children are called to submit to their parents, as instructed in Ephesians 6:1: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

Obedience & Honour: The Key Distinctives of Submission
This brings us to the need to get straight the difference between honour and obedience. They’re related, sure, like cousins at a family reunion, but they’re not the same. Understanding this distinction is key to navigating the waters of biblical submission as an adult.

Obedience is pretty straightforward—at least when you’re a child. The Bible tells children to obey their parents, plain and simple. Ephesians 6:1 lays it out: “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” Kids are under the direct care and authority of their parents, and so they are called to do what they’re told—within reason and within the bounds of God’s law. In Ephesians 6, Paul connects this call to obedience with the Fifth Commandment: “Honour your father and mother (this is the first commandment with a promise), that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land” (Eph 6:2-3). This commandment underscores a fundamental principle: the call to obey flows from the command to honour. For children, obedience is a clear manifestation of honouring their parents. It’s where the essence of honour takes centre stage.

Biblically speaking, adulthood isn’t about a number on a birth certificate. It’s about stepping up to take responsibility particularly in the realms of family, work, and community.

However, honour, on the other hand, is not so much about action as it is about attitude and posture. The commandment, “Honour your father and mother” (Ex 20:12), is not merely a call to obey but a lifelong charge to show respect and care (honour). As adults, the dynamics shift from simple obedience to a broader expression of honour that encompasses service, respect, and provision. 

Another helpful way to understand this transition is by recognising a change in jurisdiction. As a child, you were under your parent’s jurisdiction, but now, as an adult, you are shifting into your own. This is at the heart of Genesis 2:24, “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” And with this change in jurisdiction, blind obedience to parents violates the authority God has now placed upon you over your own household. 

What Adult Children do
Adult children manifest their honour in particular ways, some of which I list here,

• Serving our parents in their later years becomes a key aspect of honouring them. This might involve assisting them with daily tasks or ensuring their needs are met, as demonstrated by the principle in 1 Timothy 5:8: “But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”
• Maintaining a respectful attitude, even when disagreements arise, upholds the honour due to our parents. Proverbs 1:8 instructs: “Hear, my son, your father’s instruction, and forsake not your mother’s teaching.” This respect is ongoing and encompasses listening to and valuing their wisdom.
• Ensuring that our parents are cared for, especially in their old age, is a tangible way to honour them. In Mark 7:11, the Pharisees were criticised by Jesus for their practice of Corban, a tradition where someone could declare their resources as dedicated to God (and thus unavailable for other uses, including supporting their parents). “But you say, ‘If a man tells his father or his mother, “Whatever you would have gained from me is Corban” (that is, given to God),’” 
• And not in the least, obedience. Adulthood doesn’t come with a “Get Out of Obedience Free” card. Just as a student is expected to grow into the stature of his teacher, so too, once you have graduated from under their authority, it is still prudent to respect and follow their wisdom whenever it is offered. In this way, obedience remains a crucial aspect of honouring, no matter how old you become.

Conclusion
In the end, navigating biblical submission as an adult child is not about finding loopholes or minimising the role our parents play. It’s about understanding the deeper call to honour them in ways that grow richer with maturity. The biblical model doesn’t demand an eternal childhood, nor does it advocate a cold severing of ties when we step into adulthood. Instead, it shows us how to honour our parents with grace and respect while embracing the authority God has placed in our own hands as adults. True honour is not about perpetually seeking permission but rather upholding a lifelong posture of respect, rooted in gratitude for those who shaped us.

As we step forward, we recognize that biblical submission is not just about rules and obligations. It’s a path to wisdom, teaching us that God’s design for family doesn’t expire at adulthood but transforms, becoming something stronger and more resilient. We carry forward our parents’ lessons, seek their wisdom, and care for them in return. In this way, we keep God’s command alive—not by mere compliance, but through mature, Christ-centred honour that serves as a witness to the watching world.