Biblical Wisdom on Navigating Relationships with in-Laws

12 minutes to read

When a man and a woman get married a new relationship is established not just between the man and the woman but also with the two families of the man and his wife. This new set of relationship is called the “in-laws”: son-in-law, daughter-in-law, fathers-in-law, mothers-in-law, brothers-in-law, and sisters-in-law. These are the most immediate relationships for the couple. And among these relationships, the couple’s relationships with their respective mothers-in-law and fathers-in-law become important. The reason for the importance is because, prior to marriage, the husband and wife related primarily to their parents. But, with marriage, a new set of members enter this relationship. In Indian culture, the woman going to her husband’s family is seen as losing a member of their family and therefore it creates an emotional facet to the relationship with the in-laws that was absent prior to the marriage.

Every now and then we hear of conflicts in these relationships: between the wife and her in-laws or between the husband and his in-laws or maybe even between the in-laws themselves. No one desires conflicts in relationships. So how can these particular relationships, between the husband or the wife and their in-laws, be navigated to build Christ-like relationships and reduce conflicts? That’s what we will consider in this article.

Now, it is good to remember that conflicts are inevitable when people live together. And the different expectations of the different members in these relationships (whether biblical or cultural), further impact the relationships leading to potential conflicts. For example, the husband is expected to live with his parents and to maintain the previous relationship which he had with them. He is also expected to take care of them. Not only that, but he is expected to do as the parents say and his wife is expected to fall in line in her ‘new’ home. So, often, the man’s parents interfere in the couple’s relationship and the couple lose their independence, becoming subservient to the husband’s parents. When the wife finds this difficult she will share this with her parents which in turn further sours the relationships. It may even lead to the wife returning to her family and, in some cases, even a breakdown of the marriage relationship entirely, leading to divorce. 

Examples can be multipled. But the question is: how do we navigate relationships between in-laws? What would be some Biblical principles to help us? We can look at two Scriptures as our guide:

Genesis 2:24

“Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”

This is the bible’s own commentary when God brought Eve to Adam after He had made her. The first thing to notice is that this is a command. Secondly, this is written concerning Adam and Eve who had no human parents. Yet this passage lays the foundation for all subsequent human relationships.

The marriage relationship between a husband and a wife is a unique relationship that they alone can be a part of. Marriage is a sacred covenant rooted in covenant commitments that stand against every storm as long as they both shall live. Jesus quotes this verse in Matthew 19:5 (and the parallel passage in Mk 10:7) and Paul in Ephesians 5:31. Both Jesus and Paul recognise how foundational this command was in Genesis 2:24, and they re-affirm it for their day. And so it is for our day as well. The three things the verse stresses are (1) leave mother and father; (2) hold fast, cleave, or be united in a new, covenant relationship with your spouse; and (3) become one flesh, which includes (but not limited to) the new intimacy of sexual union with its depth and all its fruitfulness.

Ephesians 5 is an all-important passage because Paul—more clearly than anyone in the Bible—reveals the mystery that was present from the beginning in Genesis 2:24. He shows that the union of a man and a woman in marriage was modelled on the covenant relationship between Christ and His church. That’s what gives such weight and lasting durability to Genesis 2:24.

What does this therefore mean in a marriage relationship? John Piper draws out four aspects of a marriage relationship that sets it apart from the previous relationship in the household with the father and mother from this passage. He writes:

1. There is now a new allegiance, devotion, affection, intimacy, and priority that is clearly implied in the analogy of Christ and the church.
2. There is a new structure of responsibility for who bears the primary burden of providing materially for the family—namely, the husband. Not the father. Not the wife…But there is a unique responsibility falling to the new husband.
3. There is a new structure of responsibility for who bears the primary burden of protecting the new family…there’s a new special burden that falls not to the father any longer, but falls to the husband. He needs to see to it that his wife and children are protected and safe.
4. There is a new structure of responsibility for who bears the primary burden of providing leadership in this new unit of marriage. That’s why Paul calls the husband the head of his wife as Christ the head of the church.”¹

Parents are given a seasonal authority  over children, but they are endowed with perpetual honour.

In other words, the man’s primary commitment is towards his wife and the responsibility for providing, protecting, and leading the new family falls not on the father of the husband but on the husband himself. Which also means that the wife’s primary commitment is towards her husband and she looks up to her husband(and not her parents) for her provision, protection, and submission.

Ephesians 6:1-3

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. ‘Honor your father and mother’ (this is the first commandment with a promise), ’that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.’”

Honouring parents does not stop when one gets married. It continues till they are around. Honouring our parents is about honouring God because God has commanded us to honor them, but also because honouring them builds deeper and wider channels in our hearts for honouring God.

John Piper, again, is helpful when he writes: “For adults, I have heard one seasoned counsellor make the distinction between honouring our parents and obeying our parents. Jesus calls us to always honour our parents; he does not call us to obey our father and mother once we establish our own household. This distinction (and transition) is actually critical for healthy honouring of our parents, especially if and when we leave and cleave to a spouse: ‘a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.’ To honour parents as God demands, a husband or wife must leave them as God demands, establishing clear lines that weren’t there before. Parents are given a seasonal authority over children, but they are endowed with perpetual honour. No matter how old, mature, and independent we become, God still says, ‘Listen to your father who gave you life, and do not despise your mother when she is old’ (Proverbs 22:32). If, in leaving our father and mother, we stop listening or start despising, we have not left them as God would have us. Real leaving is vital to faithfulness as we age, mature, and marry, and real, enduring honouring—listening, esteeming, celebrating, caring, blessing—is still every bit as vital.²

In other words, the couple’s new commitment towards each other does not cancel or undermine the duty they have towards honoring their parents. Rather, the new marriage relationship alters the kind of honor that is rendered to the parents.³

We must recognize that these two God-given commandments help navigating relationships with in-laws. Paul writes these two Scriptures to believers in the church at Ephesus in the context of family relationships. So as believers we do not have an option but are mandated to obey it.

It may be that each relationship and the people in those relationships would be different. It may be that all the members in these relationships are believers (which would be ideal). Or it may be that some in these relationships are not believers and this presents its own challenges. It may be that the parents may have to live with their son or daughter because of ill-health, financial constraints, work location, or some other legitimate reason. Or it may be cases where both the husband and the wife are working, so the grandparents assume the role of babysitters. Many other scenarios are possible. But Paul, when writing Ephesians 5-6, did not give differing commands for differing cases. Whatever may be the dynamics of the relationships or life-situations of those relationships, we are called to obey the commandments that God has given in Ephesians 5.

Ultimately, we recognize that we are living in a fallen world and sin has affected our human relationships. But through the Gospel of Jesus Christ, His death and resurrection, broken human relationships can be restored. In Ephesians 2:11-22, Paul writes how, through the Gospel, Jews and Gentiles are made one. This applies to all broken human relationships, including relationships with in-laws. It is the Gospel that enables us to forgive one another and seek forgiveness when there is a breakdown in relationships. As Paul writes in Ephesians 4;32, “Be kind to one another, tender hearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Some Practical Suggestions

Relationships within the church are made by God. So also are the relationships that result from the marriage of a man and a woman.

1. The husband and wife must commit themselves to live by what Paul has instructed in Ephesians 5:22-33. By doing so they are committing themselves to shape their marriage on the basis of the gospel.

2. The husband and wife should discuss and decide before their marriage that they will follow the two commandments mentioned above and make it known to their respective parents. There may be some difficulties in coming to an agreed understanding among the members in these relationships. In such a case it needs to be pursued with love and understanding, but no compromises are to be made. There could be a thought, “what will others think?” But here is where Proverbs 29:25 is helpful, “The fear of man lays a snare, but whoever trusts in the Lord is safe.” The aim should be to live independently from their parents and, as much as possible, in different accommodations.

3. If you are a parent, you must recognize and affirm the new God-given role of your son and daughter as husband and wife. Encourage them in their oneness and in their new God-given relationship.

4. As parents give advice to your married children when it is sought. When needed to give instruction, leave it to them to comply. Do not force them. Sometimes it is good for them to learn from their mistakes.

5. There may be instances, because of lack of money, where it would be difficult to live in two different houses—one for the parents and another for the married couple. Or it may be sickness in the family which would require the husband (or the wife) to look after his (or her) parents. In such situations the husband and wife should intentionally maintain their oneness as a couple. The parents must also be understanding of the situation and maintain appropriate boundaries.

6. Confidentiality between the husband and the wife must be maintained at all costs. The couple must not take any issues that arise between them to their respective parents. A break in confidentiality leads to a break in trust. In sharing, especially difficulties, to their respective parents there is the possibility of conflicts with the in-laws and even between the in-laws. In situations where there is something to be shared, it must be done with mutual agreement.

7. The husband and wife must honour their parents in every way possible. This could mean visiting the parents regularly or having regular conversations if they are not in geographical proximity, seeking their well-being and sharing from their resources to provide for any need of the parents. All this goes a long way to show that they are honouring their parents.

8. Conflicts are bound to happen between a husband and wife. At times there may be situations when things may even go out of control. The best thing would be for the couple to address the issue objectively and sort it out between themselves. It would require them to seek forgiveness from one another, forgive one another, and move past that particular conflict.

However, if resolution is difficult, the in-laws are not to be involved and must not be the first port of call since this can lead to further conflicts because of high emotions.

Instead, look for a good counsellor, who is trustworthy and will maintain confidentiality within the couple’s local church, where they are members. God has gifted the local church with spiritual gifts so that as Paul writes “if one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honoured, all rejoice together.” (1 Corinthians 12:26). Do it with much care, wisdom, and prayer.

Relationships within the church are made by God. So also are the relationships that result from the marriage of a man and a woman. Paul writes to the church in Ephesus, “I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” (Eph 4:1-3). So in all the marriage relationships, which is God’s calling, let us be eager with the help of the Holy Spirit to maintain the God-given unity in love.

1. https://www.desiringgod.org/interviews/can-i-leave-and-cleave-if-we-live-with-my-parents 

2. https://www.desiringgod.org/articles/honor-the-parents-god-gave-you

3. Read more on this in this article: https://www.equipindianchurches.com/adult-biblical-to/