Premarital Discipleship
8 minutes to read
No Easy Marriage
Modern culture often minimizes marriage to a contract based on mutual happiness. It views marriage as a personal choice rather than a sacred obligation, reducing it to a legal arrangement, focusing on rights and responsibilities rather than spiritual commitments. This leads to a truncated and erroneous understanding of marriage. If personal fulfillment fades or needs are unmet, divorce is always an option.
As Christians, we are not surprised by this. For we understand from Scripture that it is a sinner who marries another sinner. The challenges inherent in marriage are precisely because of this natural, human condition of sin. Both partners bring their imperfections, flaws, and sinful tendencies into the relationship. And the reality of sin makes marriage difficult, often leading to brokenness and failure. Our sinful tendencies in marriage is reflected in our selfishness, pride, unforgiving attitude, lustful heart, and so much more.
What then is the remedy? Dave Harvey in His book “When Sinners Say ‘I Do’” says, “What we believe about God determines the quality of our marriage.”1 He goes on to explain about how our theology shapes our understanding of marriage and how we build our marriage is fundamentally shaped by our theology. This is absolutely true. For without a proper understanding of marriage and its God-ordained purpose, without truly understanding the depth of what it means “for the two shall be one”, and without recognising the immense difficulty of the two selfish me’s to live as one us, the couple seeking to build a new life together will find it frustrating and futile. As Ray Ortlund rightly points out, “Nothing is more natural in our fallen world today than trying to build a happy marriage on a foundation of God-avoidance.”2
Yet, with a proper understanding of the God-ordained purpose of marriage, it becomes a living testimony of God’s grace when couples model His love in their daily lives. Unconditional love and forgiveness becomes pivotal to the marriage relationship, thus pointing, not only the husband and the wife but also the world as it sees this couple, to the gospel.
Unconditional love and forgiveness becomes pivotal to the marriage relationship, thus pointing, not only the husband and the wife but also the world as it sees this couple, to the gospel.
In light of this, how can churches help the unmarried members of their church prepare for marriage? It begins firstly by the church proclaiming and teaching that marriage belongs to God.
Marriage is Instituted by God
The Bible presents marriage as a holy institution ordained by God. In the Christian worldview, marriage is more than just an agreement between two individuals. It is a sacred covenant of the man and the woman made before God. It involves a lifelong pledge and commitment to love, fidelity, and support one another, under the guidance and blessing of God, reflecting His faithfulness and covenantal love.
Malachi 2:14 says, “The Lord has been witness between you and the wife of your youth, against whom you have dealt treacherously, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.” Marriage here is explicitly referred to as a covenant, and God is portrayed as a witness to the union. In Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul compares the relationship between the husband and wife to the relationship between Christ and the Church. Husbands are called to love their wives as Christ loved the Church, sacrificing Himself for her well-being. This metaphor suggests marriage as a reflection of divine love and grace. So, unlike a contract which can be broken if the terms are violated, a covenant is meant to endure through challenges and hardships. The permanence of the covenant reflects the unchanging nature of God's love and faithfulness.
The church should unashamedly proclaim this truth publicly from the pulpit and also privately in the counsel she gives to those preparing for marriage. But knowing that marriage belongs to God is just the first step. The church should also help individuals preparing for marriage to reform their worldly ideas about marriage—that it is about personal happiness—and align it to God’s purposes —it produces holiness leading to joy.
Happiness Through Holiness
Ephesians 5:25-26 says, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word.” Just as Christ loved the Church sacrificially and sanctified her, marriage calls spouses to mirror this divine love. The goal is not merely mutual happiness but mutual holiness, becoming more like Christ through selfless service, forgiveness, and unity. As somebody said, “Marriage is the raw material out of which holiness is forged.”3 Holiness, not happiness, is what sustains the covenant even in difficult seasons. Yet, such a marriage that pursues holiness is not devoid of happiness. On the contrary, joy in marriage is a God-given blessing of pursuing holiness in marriage.
Thus, the church not only teaches but, through her married members, also models that a marriage built and rooted in sanctification is a testimony of God’s transformative power. Those preparing for marriage learn that they are to love their spouse unconditionally, even when it’s hard, thus making their relationship a “fragrant offering” to God. This shared pursuit of holiness deepens intimacy with God and one another, creating a foundation stronger than fleeting emotions.
But all this can be done when the church recognizes that preparing her unmarried members towards marriage is ultimately part of her ministry of discipleship.
The church has a responsibility to disciple men and women in preparing for marriage as part of her ministry towards them.
Godly Marriages Are Fostered By Discipleship
A Christian is first and foremost a disciple of Jesus Christ. This identity shapes every aspect of a believer's life—their vocations, their roles, and even their relationships, such as marriage. Understanding what it means to be a disciple is therefore essential for living out the Christian faith fully and authentically. And this task of discipling the Christian is given to the church.
The church has a responsibility to disciple men and women in preparing for marriage as part of her ministry towards them. For if Christians are to reflect the primary focus of marriage in their own marriage, to reflect Christ’s love for His Church, then it begins with the church teaching and helping couples humbly seek guidance in preparing for marriage. This ministry of discipleship is what helps them think biblically about marriage and make godly choices, as followers of Christ.
We foster a critical and strategic ministry in discipling men and women preparing for marriage because it addresses the foundational aspects of marriage and its purpose. When they grasp the theological significance of marriage, they view it as a sacred covenant rather than a social contract. It reminds them that the union they are entering into is sacred and involves accountability to God. Thus, we honor God’s design for marriage and strengthen the Church not only when we help couples after the marriage but also when men and women are discipled before their marriage.
Honoring God Through Premarital Discipleship
The church’s role in discipling men and women for marriage is both practical and spiritual. In discipling men and women towards marriage, they are not just taught skills needed to be husbands and wives. But, through discipleship, their hearts are nurtured, the future of their marriage is shaped, and they are pointed to the One who will hold their marriage together. Such a ministry goes beyond merely preparing a couple for the wedding event. Instead, it prepares them to see each other (and the church) as a “safe space” to address issues openly and honestly, seeking help in their marriage without shame. All this is done because the church rightly recognizes that preparation to enter into this God-ordained institution is too important a task to be left till before the wedding for a couple of hours of “premarital counseling” or to even outsource it to “professional counsellors.” Preparing well for marriage honors God.
Ray Ortlund says it well when he writes, “All churches, therefore, have a gospel-motivated obligation actively to teach and honor and promote marriage, for the display of the gospel in our world of confusion and despair. If we love the preaching of the gospel from pulpits, then we will also love the display of the gospel in marriages. Churches must not be neutral or casual about what so rejoices the heart of God.”4 May we then, strive to make discipling into marriage a gospel-motivated obligation in our churches, so that this institution would be a great display of the gospel and bring glory to God to a broken world that has lost the beauty and essence of marriage.
- Dave Harvey, “When Sinners Say "I Do": Discovering the Power of the Gospel, 20.
- Ray Ortlund, Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel, 42.
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- Ray Ortlund, Marriage and the Mystery of the Gospel, 113.
